So if you are friends with me on Facebook, you already know that we are EXPECTING. As in we are pregnant AGAIN. Before you ask; this was actually planned, but it took more than a year from the time we decided, to actually get with the program. And even though it was planned and looked for every month, the positive on that little pee stick was still shocking. I was in denial for the first, second, third and 5 other tests I took. I couldn’t believe that we were granted a miracle again. Tears were shed and then the dread set in. Since finding out, I have been constantly plagued with worry about EVERYTHING which is the exact opposite of what I thought would happen.
I am worry about our house closing, which was delayed. I know that a closing date is more of a guideline then an actual date. I knew it was going to take longer than talked about but when they notified me that they are not really sure when closing will be, it set forth a stream of tears that I didn’t expect. It will get done, it’s just the house selling/buying process.
I worry about my health and the health of the baby. I worry that I won’t be able to keep the healthy lifestyle that we have created for ourselves. I don’t want to get unhealthy and fat again. I want to continue my workouts and I know that I will have to cut back and reevaluate the workouts I do. I have begun walking longer distance and I am going back to lifting light weights for more reps in order to keep my strength up.
I worry about not having a place to bring the baby home. We have the camper but after almost two years, the house selling (waiting on papers to be signed) and now this new addition to the family, I want a house of my own. I want to be able to decorate for the holidays, I want a place to have all of my stuff from storage. I want the boys to have a room al to themselves with all there toys. I want a room for the new baby. and I want a place for family to be able to stay without having to pay for a hotel stay or be uncomfortable. It’s just a matter of time.
The stress I have been creating for myself if not healthy. For me or the new baby. I’m not far enough along to keep this up and I know that. And irrationally I have become scared to look and plan for the future because I am afraid of jinxing it. I don’t want to start looking for houses for fear of our house selling falling through. I don’t want to look at baby stuff of Pinterest or in stores for fear that something bad will happen.
Rationally; I know that is ridiculous. I can not live like this full-time and expect to get through this pregnancy or the next few months happy and healthy. Once again I find myself getting ahead of GOD’s plan and feeling bad for it. I have to lay everything at his feet and leave it to him. I can not worry about it or it will negatively affect my relationships with the boys, the baby and my husband. I can not do that. I love them all too much to self destruct in that way. This is probably a huge reason I stopped writing in the blog. I didn’t want to admit such things and I didn’t want to seem crazy emotional.
I’m a women and I’m crazy. I’m a mom, I worry. I am scared for the future, I am human.
On another note though, we told the boys because they are far more perceptive for their age then we give them credit for. They started to notice my heightened emotions and that I needed to lay down from a headache (nausea) more. So we told them together, and it was the sweetest moment. A moment that I will forever remember. We told them “You know how you have been asking mommy and daddy for a baby?, Well mommy is pregnant with a baby. You are going to be big brothers!” They both stood there for what felt like hours looking between mommy and daddy and then our oldest said “Where is it?” The kid actually looked around like a baby was about to be dropped from the sky. Our youngest looked scared until we took them both in to our laps and hugged them and told them more simply “Mommy has a baby in her tummy and its going to grow and when it comes out you will have a new brother or sister.” They both gave nervous laughter, looked under my shirt and smiled. They have since asked me everyday how the baby is doing, is the baby sleeping, is the baby hungry. They are going to be awesome Big Brothers.
Even now, I am still coming to terms with the fact that we are going to be outnumbered in kids. I always wanted 4 kids but I’m going to settle with 3. We always said we would be done by the time I was 30. Well this kid is due 2 weeks before my 30th birthday so at least we fulfilled that wish.