The comes a point along this journey where a girl asks herself whether its been worth all the hard work? Today is that day among many. Throughout these last 5 months, I have cried more often than not, wanted to give up more times than I can count and continued without a look back. To say it has been easy is a bald-faced lie. Its been hard, very hard. Hard to give up certain foods when you are craving, hard to look at the scale when you gave into those cravings and hard to keep going when your muscles are tried and you are covered in sweat.
Holy shit the last is the worst, because you know that to keep going leads to success but damn does stopping sound so awesome. I have been pushing myself over and over, further and further every week and I do not see the changes I wish to see. Oh, they are there but to me they are small and defeating. But as my husband says, change is change and it’s always good no matter how big or small. Mentally I don’t agree but he is right. Seeing myself everyday I have a body image issue I can admit too. I think we all do. When I look in the mirror I see the 230 pound women from before, who’s pants rolled down at the waist because they were too small, her stomach pokes out against the shirt because again its too small.
The women who hates a bathing suit and hates pictures of herself. Sometimes I can’t see the women who has gone from a size 18 to a size 11 pant, a size XXL shirt to a medium. The women who has lost nearly 20 something inches in her waist, hips and chest. The women who has gone from a body fat percentage of 36% to 27%. The women who when she began couldn’t run 100 meters and can now run a mile without dying or wishing to quit. The women who inspired her husband to get healthy and now looks and feels like a new man.
It is such a shame that us women can not see the things others see. We can be told over and over again and still not believe. Why? What makes us such skeptics? We need to start, I need to start ignoring my own instincts and take my husbands words to heart. He loves me, loved me when I was at my largest. And now is the one who helps me stay motivated and to see the progress that I can’t see all the time. His word should be law. Not the word of the mentally deficient women who stills sees something no longer there.
It truly is a lifestyle change. I never understood why people said that but I get it now. It’s not a quick diet and your done. Its not “Oh I’ll work out a little and eat a little better and it will work out.” Its hard work, a ton of dedication and a whole lot of self-control. It’s thinking about everything you do, don’t do and eat. It is over whelming, and all-consuming until one day it isn’t. That is when the work truly begins, at least for me.
Yesterday, was 20 weeks. As I do every 4 weeks I weighed, measured and took progress pictures. You know what? My pictures didn’t show a single thing different. I looked exactly the same as last month. Heartbroken can’t describe what I was feeling. As always the hubs was there and he asked a very bold and blunt question. “Are you surprised? Can you honestly say you have been doing everything you can? Did you try your best?” At first I was very upset and offended but then I thought about it. The answer to all his questions was NO. No I wasn’t all that surprised. No I didn’t do all I could, and NO I did not try my best. I have slacked off. I worked out 3 days a week maybe four instead of the 5 or 6 before. My food choices were not good, and my snacking had become more prevalent. My workouts were not even challenging anymore. It is my fault. I understand that now. It became easy and anything that comes easy doesn’t last long. My pictures might not show much of a difference but I went down another pant size and I lost another 2 inches total this month. There is a difference, I just want to see it, and with that will be even more work.
If I want to make real changes in my body, it has to be a little challenging. My workouts should wear me out, my muscles should ache a little and my food choices should be more veggies, less crap. (I LOVE chocolate, sue me.) Now that I have been heart-broken again for the umpteenth time, I can move forward with the realization that I need to make it more challenging. I need to push myself even harder and buckle down on my diet even more. Who knows what I will look like in 5 months if I do? I could look great and be where I want to be. Or if i ignore it and continue as I am going, look exactly the same making excuses as to why it’s not better. It only takes a day and I have to remind myself “But, Did you die?”